


not as brave as you were at the start

by memorysdaughter



Series: neurodiverse CR [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Hurt/Comfort, Misophonia, Multi, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 23:17:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8032858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memorysdaughter/pseuds/memorysdaughter
Summary: Vex has bad days where all the noises sound wrong.Percy's thoughts lead him to dark places inside himself.Pike's just trying to keep them all from drowning, but she can't see how close she is to going under.





	not as brave as you were at the start

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is in the same universe as "secrets with no one to tell," which put forth the concept that the majority of Vox Machina is not neurotypical.
> 
> Also I'm in love with Pike/Percy/Vex. So there's that. More of that soon.
> 
> Title is from "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons.

I.

Vex has Bad Days.

She’s learned how to cover them up, to put a smile on her face, to fight through them like nothing’s wrong.  She’s never told anyone how much stress she feels under.

She’s never mentioned that the smallest things are enough to set her off.  She knows there must be a name for her “condition” - the way her ears take the smallest of sounds and warp them, turn them into sharp daggers of rage and panic - but she doesn’t know it.

She only knows that the Bad Days start with these noises.  Grog chewing.  The higher notes on Scanlan’s flute.  Water dripping from Keyleth’s elemental hands.  Shrill birds outside the window.  They grate at her ears, spiraling in like hair pins from hell.  Her heart rate goes up and she clenches her hands into fists, makes excuses to get away from people, just _runs_ as though she can free herself from the noise, runs until she can’t breathe and she chokes, the memory of those noises still vibrating down her arms and radiating up her spine back into her head.

Then she can’t stop the thoughts from flooding in.   _Saundor was right.  You’re a disappointment to your brother.  Your father hates you.  You’re leading your friends into doom.  Everything you do is wrong._

On the Bad Days she feels like she’s drowning.

 

She wakes up on a perfectly normal autumn morning and just _knows_ it will be a Bad Day.  The rain outside sluices down the gutters and Vex knows it should sound reassuring and soothing, especially since things are calm and they’re taking a few days to rest and maybe even have some fun, but it immediately scrapes into her ears with all the joy of chisels against rough stone.

She rolls to one side and digs her fingernails into her palms, trying to relax enough to fall back asleep.  It proves impossible.  The bed’s warm and safe and the weight of the two laying there with her should be comforting, but all she can hear is the imperfections in their breathing meshing with the grating rainfall.

She’s not sure when the noises progressed from mildly irritating to rage-inducing to truly pain-causing.  It kicks in now, though, and she finds tears streaming from her eyes.  Something like a strangled whimper escapes from between her lips.

Immediately Pike’s head comes up and cool little hands press against Vex’s boiling neck. “What is it?” Pike asks softly, her voice gritty with sleep.

Vex just shakes her head, trying to lean into the safety of Pike’s touch. “Too loud,” she gets out.

“Ohh,” Pike murmurs.  Immediately Vex feels her roll to one side and hears her start murmuring to Percy.

“Wha’?”

Another murmur.

“Oh, yes, of course.”

If it wasn’t a Bad Day, Vex would laugh at how quickly Percy goes from Completely Asleep to Fully Awakened Nobleman.  But it’s a Bad Day.

The bed shifts again and tiny lithe footsteps cross the room, circling around to where Vex is curled in on herself, eyes shut, hands clenched. “Vex,” Pike says, and that light little voice swells into the spots left raw and open by the onslaught of _noise_ pounding against Vex’s head. “Come with us.  We have something for you.”

 

Vex has her hands pressed to her ears as Pike leads her down the hallway, pain throbbing around her head like a crown she’s never asked for.  Her bare feet stumble on the cold floor, her eyes squeezed almost shut, Pike’s cool hand on her elbow her only tether back to the real world.  Everything is just too loud.

Eventually she realizes they’re in the Temple to Sarenrae, Pike’s favorite place in their new keep. “No, Pike,” she moans.  She just wants to crumple into a little ball with Trinket and keep her hands over her ears.  It’s a Bad Day, don’t they understand that?

“Shh,” Pike says gently, and leads her just a little further, to a door in one back corner of the temple.  If Vex was in her right mind, if the world wasn’t screaming against her temples, she’d be quick to realize she’s never seen this door before.  As it is she’s just grateful Pike’s slowing down, reaching for the doorknob.

“Come right in here,” Pike murmurs, and she gently pushes Vex into a small, close room.

As soon as Vex steps into the room Pike pulls at her arms, tugging her down to the floor.  It’s soft underneath her, generously laid with something luxurious and plush.  She sits awkwardly, the near-silent whisper-rush of blood in her veins and air in and out of her lungs pushing in on her ears like daggers.  Then she feels Pike curl into her lap and reach for her hands, and she shakes her head. “No.  No.”

“Trust me,” Pike breathes, and because she’s Pike, because Vex loves her, she carefully allows her hands to come away from her ears.

She’s expecting more pain, more “normal” noises turned traitorous to assault her.  Instead there’s almost nothing.  The room around them, scarcely big enough for Vex to stand upright, has all the comforting resonance of a womb.  All of a sudden she’s safe.  The pressure on her ears lessens until it’s almost a drifting memory, only a few bright points of pain reaching her as noise.

 _"Oh_ ,” she breathes gratefully.

Pike smiles and kisses her hands. “It’s going to be all right.”

The door opens and Trinket trundles in, followed by a sleepy-looking Percy.  The bear snorts once and trots over to Vex, curling up at her side.  Percy stoops to enter the little room, cradling something in his hands.  He holds it out to Vex.

“What is it?” she asks.  Her voice remains gravelly and unsure; she’s not sure what will break the seeming magic of this room.

“Ear covers,” Percy answers.  Like Pike, he’s lowered his voice’s tone and volume.  When she looks at him, confused, he clarifies, “Pike and I saw you once… you were sobbing, trying to force Trinket’s paws over your ears.  That gave me an idea.”

Vex flushes and some of the noise assails her ears again.  She puts her hand to her forehead.

“Try them on,” Percy suggests.

Vex looks down at Percy’s invention - two small bowls, metal covered with leather, tipped on their sides, filled with some sort of cotton and batting.  A metal arc backed in leather connects them at the top.  Hesitantly she slides them on her head like she would a hair-band.

The pressure of the bowls is immediate relief.  She even likes the way the metal arc feels against the top of her head.  They cup her ears and the batting knocks out any remaining noise, dumping her into silence.

Her body relaxes all at once, the pain gone, and she practically slumps back against the cushioned wall of the small room.  Trinket shoves up next to her, propping her up; she twines her fingers in his fur.

“Good?” Pike asks.

Vex smiles slowly, almost drunkenly, for she doesn’t hear the question - she reads Pike’s lips. “Good.”

And she knows she’ll have more questions later - _What’s the room padded with?  How long have they been working on this?  Who else knows about this?  Why are they such wonderful people?_ \- but she feels her eyes droop closed, trying to return her to the sleep so rudely interrupted by the onset of the Bad Day.

Pike curls up with her head against Vex’s chest, and Percy puts his arm around Vex, leaning her into him, and all Vex can think as she drifts off is that maybe, with love and invention, a Bad Day doesn’t have to stay that way.

She likes that thought.  And she loves these two, _her_ two, who were willing to go to such lengths to figure it out.

 

* * *

 

II.

The first time it happens Percy’s sure he’s been shot.  A pure bolt of pain strikes him in his sternum, radiating little explosions of misery outwards.  He gasps for breath and grabs onto the workbench in front of him, trying to figure out how in the hell his own gun would have shot him from across the room.

He realizes he didn’t hear a gunshot.  He realizes his hands and feet are tingling as he gulps in oxygen.  The room spins around him and blackness invades his visual field.

He doesn’t remember passing out, but he does remember waking back up.  He has no idea how much time he lost.  He can’t even remember what happened, not really - just the pain and the lack of air.  He touches his chest and finds no bullet hole, no blood, nothing to suggest actual physical injury.

He thinks back on it, on what he’d been ruminating on during his work that morning.  He’d been thinking of Vex and Pike, of how much he cared for them, of how many things in Whitestone he still wanted to show them, things he would never have been able to show them if his father was still around, he was so damn afraid of letting his father down, of letting his family down, and his father _never_ would have approved of either of them, not even if Vex had a title, she was still a half-elf and the renegade daughter of a Syngorn ambassador and Pike, _Pike_ , don’t even get him started - “A deep gnome, Percival?  You know they’re nothing but tricksters and liars and” - and _there_ came the pain again.

Percy gets used to it but he never truly gets used to it.  Certain things set him off: doubting himself and his place in his relationship; trying to fix problems around Whitestone; doubting his work and his place in Vox Machina; thinking of everything disapproving his father would say about Vex or Pike; worrying he’s never going to leave a legacy behind; losing everyone he cares about.  There’s always the pain, the gasping, the tingling from the lack of oxygen in his body - he stumbles about the corridors slamming into obstacles, hands shaking, thoughts racing.

(Over the course of six “episodes,” he takes out an entire bookshelf, two vases, four chairs, a set of angel knickknacks belonging to Cassandra that he’d always thought were gaudy and stupid, and a surprisingly well-carved bust of General Fontier von Mountebank, a noted Whitestone general who, among other things, once saved a convent of nuns from a horde of goblins.)

He somehow manages to keep it together when he’s with Pike and Vex.  Or with anyone else, really.  Sometimes his chest aches with the fear that he’s doing something wrong, or that this moment - _this moment_ \- will be the one where he loses it all, but he swallows it down, placing his trust in his weapons and his friends.

He thinks Pike knows.  Pike knows a lot of things.  Most of them she doesn’t even have to be told.  If he was a believing sort of man, Percy wonders if she’s getting secret messages from Sarenrae.  If he was a more rational man, he might consider that her time with Vox Machina has left her extremely intuitive.

But Pike never says anything.

So neither does Percy.

 

He’s working on a stained glass window frame on a snowy day.  Trinket’s curled up on the hearth in his workshop, snuffling in the way Percy’s come to know means a deep bear sleep is occurring.  Outside the window Percy hears a snowball fight happening between Keyleth, Grog, Scanlan and Vax, and wonders idly if Pike and Vex are going to join them.  Pike is a killer snowball fighter, and Vex is too - they have different tactics, but if they team up they’re unstoppable.

The unexpected sharp lance of pain jams into his rib cage and he gasps, dropping to his knees.  The soldering iron bounces down harmlessly to the stone floor.  Percy lets out a moan.

Trinket looks up and immediately lumbers over, pressing his face against Percy’s shoulder. “ _Mrroww?”_

Percy can’t think, can’t breathe.  He gulps in air as the tingling starts in his hands and feet.

 _They’re going to leave you_ , a voice whispers in his ear.   _What can you possibly bring to them?  They’re so perfect and wonderful and good - and you’re so fucking broken and messed up.  And even if they do stay with you, eventually they’ll be taken away from you.  You’re going to watch them die._

Trinket lets out another sorrowful noise and, getting no response from Percy, trots out of the workshop.

_You don’t think your Vex would sell you out for money?  Your Pike for a certainty in her god?  You’re nothing to them._

Hands touch Percy’s face, little cool hands, and he looks up, blurrily, into Pike’s face. “Percy?” she asks.  Her voice sounds like she’s underwater. “Percy, can you hear me?”

_They’re going to leave you like the dirt you are._

“No,” Percy gets out.

Pike turns and for the first time Percy registers Vex is there, too. “He says he can’t hear me, but he answered my question,” Pike says confusedly.

“Percival, darling,” Vex murmurs, and she helps him stand.  He slumps against her woozily. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

“The pain,” Percy grits out.  He wobbles.

“Where’s the pain?” Vex asks.

He doesn’t realize she’s helping him take steps, moving him towards the door. “My chest.  My head.”

“Keep breathing,” Pike says from behind him, her little voice taut with worry.

“Why…” Percy gulps air. “Why…?”

“Just a little further, darling,” Vex says, and he can hear worry in her voice, too.

He’s blurry and lost as they stumble him through the corridors.  Sounds come to him from far away, sounding blurry, dripping past his ears.  His vision is blurry too; everything seems like a painting dipped in water.  He brings his free hand up and clenches onto Vex’s shoulder. “No.  Just… _stop_ ,” he wheezes.

“A few more steps,” Vex says gently. “You’re almost there.”

Just as he loses consciousness, he realizes where they’ve been leading him - to the special room they built for Vex.

“A panic room,” he says, or at least he thinks he does.

Then he collapses.

 

When he comes to again, his head is in Pike’s lap.  She’s running her fingers through his hair and singing something softly in Celestial.  He turns his head slightly and sees Vex curled up beside him.  Her eyes are on him. “Are you back with us?”

“Yes.  Yes, I believe so.”

“How long has this been happening?”

He hesitates.

“That’s what we thought,” Vex says. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I was… I was embarrassed,” Percy says hesitantly. “I didn’t want you to think I was weak.”

“Weak?  Oh, darling, never.” Vex leans in and kisses him on the cheek.  Pike bends down and kisses his forehead.

“And I think you’ll leave me…” Percy trails off, closing his eyes.

A slap jolts him back to awareness.  He opens his eyes, looking up into Pike’s very serious eyes. “Listen to me, and listen good, Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo the Third,” she says, and he’s suddenly well aware of how, tiny as she is, she manages to be so tough. “Nobody’s leaving anybody.  Not without a group decision that it’s not working out.  Not without talking about it.  That’s not how we settle things.  And the next time this happens, you need to _tell_ us!”

Her voice softens. “I worry about you.  I worry about both of you.  But the worry’s worth it because I love you.”

Her thumb traces his eyebrow and Percy catches himself staring up at the scar that bisects her eye.  Without his permission his hand snakes up and gently caresses her face. “All I want is to be happy.”

“Believe it or not, you dork, that’s all we want for you too,” Vex says.

Percy pushes himself upright, shaking off the last vestiges of dizziness. “You can’t fix these… these episodes,” he says.

“Watch me,” Pike says fiercely.

Percy scoops her up and kisses her scar. “Sometimes I think I’d like nothing more than to watch warrior women save me.”

“Everyone has fantasies, darling,” Vex murmurs, a sly grin crossing her face.

Pike leans into Percy, contented.

“So, is this room for general freak-outs, now?” Percy asks, rubbing Pike’s back.

“It’s whatever you want it to be,” Vex replies.

 _Then it’s perfect_ , Percy thinks as Vex wraps her arm around him and they sit together in the warm velvety room, in the silence and the comfort. _This is all I want it to be._

 

* * *

 

III.

Grog knows something’s wrong with Pike.  His best buddy’s been coming down to breakfast with dark circles under her eyes, and then she's not even eating.  He wants to ask Percy and Vex about it, since she's been spending so much time with them, but one morning he finds her coming out of her old room, alone, not the room she's supposed to be sharing with Percy and Vex.

This is puzzling.

Pike loves food.  She loves Percy and Vex.  She never looks sick or unhappy, and lately she's been looking both.

Grog resolves to talk to her as soon as possible.

 

He gets his chance on an early spring morning when he finds Pike drowsing at the kitchen table.  A mug of hot chocolate is in front of her, untouched.  Her skin is waxy pale and the dark circles look, well, darker.

Grog sits down next to her and touches her elbow gently.  She jumps nearly a foot in the air and he hears her gasp. “Whoa, buddy, 's just me.”

“Oh, hi, Grog,” Pike says.  She sounds sad.

“Now y’ know I'm not one t’ talk about feelins…” Grog begins hesitantly, “... but I feel like somethin’s wrong and you're not talkin’ ‘bout it.  Is that maybe true?”

“Wrong?  Of course everything’s wrong!”

Grog was definitely not prepared for that. “Oh.  Um, did ya break up with Percy and Vex?”  He's not sure how those kinds of things work.

“No, of course not.  They need me.”

“We need ya too,” Grog tells her. “We need ya to be healthy an’ strong an’, y’know, a monstah.”

“I can't be everything for everyone right now, Grog!” she barks at him, and he's surprised.  She never yells at anyone. “Not with Vex and all the noises she's hearing and with Percy collapsing and not able to breathe - I have enough going on!  I'm sorry that's not good enough for everyone!”

Grog wants to say something, he really does, but he's too shocked.  And then he doesn't get the chance, because Pike looks at him, whimpers, and then collapses face first on the table.

 

Grog bursts into the common room, Pike in his arms, and lays her down on the sofa next to Allura. “Fix this,” he demands.

Allura, who's been talking with Vax and Keyleth, looks up. “What happened?”

“We were talkin’, an’ she yelled at me, an’ then she just collapsed!”

“She yelled at you?” Keyleth asks.

Still shocked, Grog can only nod.  Then something else occurs to him. “An’ we've got bigger problems.”

“Do tell,” Vax says.

“Well, I think… I think Orthax is back,” Grog reveals. “An’ Vex reached inta that pocket dimension an’ got Craven Edge.”

“Wait, _what?”_ Keyleth demands.

“Tell us exactly what she said,” Vax suggests, looking far less worried than Grog thinks he should be.

Grog falters. “She said… she said Vex is hearin’ things… an’ Percy’s havin’ trouble breathin’.”

“Oh,” Vax says.  Again, he doesn’t seem worried.

Allura speaks up. “I can’t tell what’s wrong with her.”

Keyleth stands up and moves towards the sofa, looking down worriedly at Pike’s still form.  Vax stands up, too, and says, “Excuse me” before swiftly exiting the room.

Grog scoops Pike up and cradles her against him, like a baby.  He realizes in that moment he’s never held a baby.  He’s pretty sure it’s not what this is like.  And also, he’s pretty sure folks who hold babies want their babies to stay sleeping, and he wants Pike to wake up and fight to get out of his grasp. “‘S gonna be all right, buddy,” he murmurs.  It’s all wrong.

Vax comes back with Vex, Percy, and Scanlan.  Vex immediately bolts over to Grog and reaches one hand up to stroke Pike’s back. “What happened?” she asks, her eyes wet. “Is she okay?”

“Dunno,” Grog answers. “Allura says there’s nothin’ she can tell.”

Percy comes up behind Vex and squeezes her hand. “She’ll be okay.”

“We don’t _know_ that!”

“Haven’t ya been all sleepin’ t’gether?” Grog asks daintily.  He knows they haven’t been.

“No,” Percy says flatly.

“Maybe let’s all sit down,” Vax suggests. “We need to have a talk about some things.”

 

Grog sits in shock as Vax attempts to explain things he’s noticed about each of the members of Vox Machina.  None of it makes sense. “So, somethin’s wrong with all of us?”

“No.”

“But y’ just said Vex can’t hear certain stuff an’ Percy gets all panicked when he thinks too much an’ Keyleth’s bad with people…” Grog pauses. “Well, that one’s not all that surprisin’.”

Keyleth flicks his ear.

“ _Ow!”_

“Nothing is _wrong_ ,” Vax says, a little louder to be heard over Grog’s grousing. “We all just have different ways of thinking and responding to situations.”

“An’ y’ think somethin’s wrong with Pike?” Grog shakes his head. “No.  No, there’s nothin’ wrong with Pike.  She’s…”

 _She’s too wonderful_ , his brain finishes his sentence.  His mouth just won’t say it.

He feels Pike’s hands clench into fists.

“She stopped sleeping with us because she was… she was embarrassed,” Vex says, so softly those gathered in the room can barely hear her.

“Pike’s never ‘barrassed,” Grog says.  He turns to look at Vex, who’s crying silently. “Why?  What’s she…?”

Percy puts his arm around Vex. “She’s been having nightmares.”

Against Grog’s shoulder Pike whimpers.

“Nightmares ‘bout what?” Grog asks.

Percy goes solemn. “About… about her dying.”

The whimper turns into a painfully-thin cry.  Grog feels so safe with Pike, why can’t she feel as safe with him?

“Shhh,” he whispers. “Shh, it’s okay.”

“Is she just… asleep?” Keyleth asks Allura.

Allura moves closer to Grog and carefully rolls Pike’s head towards her.  She raises one of Pike’s eyelids, then the other. “I suppose it’s possible,” the arcanist replies. “If she has been having nightmares, or attempting to stay awake to prevent them, it could be that her system’s just shut down completely.  I have a draught in my bag that will give her a dreamless sleep for nearly a day.  Hopefully once she wakes her body will have reset.”

“An’ she’ll be happy again?” Grog brings his free hand up and strokes Pike’s hair.

“She’ll be awake,” Allura says. “That’s all I can say for certain.”

“Whatever it is, it’ll be a start,” Percy tells Grog.

 

Percy and Vex convince Grog to put Pike in their bed. “We’ll watch out for her,” Percy promises.

Grog still looks worried.  Vex hands him the nicest of her bottles of ale. “Because I know you’re going to sleep outside on the floor… you might as well enjoy part of it.”

“Fanks,” Grog mutters. “If she wakes up… just tell her I love her, ‘kay?”

Then he turns away and hurriedly wipes his eyes.

When the door’s closed Percy looks at Vex.  They both look at Pike’s still form.

“How do you want to do this?” Vex asks softly. “Do you want to sleep first, or should I?”

“I don’t feel very tired,” Percy says.

“Me neither.”

Eventually they both just curl up on the bed, looking at Pike, holding her hands, cuddling her, making her feel comfortable.  Or, at least, providing what they think she would need to be comfortable.

“I think we’re doing this for us,” Vex murmurs to Percy while she brushes Pike’s hair. “She’s not awake.”

“No, Allura’s draught saw to that,” Percy replies.  He gently touches the corner of Pike’s mouth, where a drop of the bright blue draught stains her pale skin.

“Why didn’t we do anything?”

Percy looks over at Vex, who is studiously avoiding his gaze. “We didn’t know how bad it was.”

“Percy.”

“I didn’t!” Percy protests hotly. “And did you really think it would come to this?”

“We should have gone after her!” Vex says. “We should have _made_ her tell us!”

“We’re terrible people, Vex,” Percy retorts. “Neither of us told Pike what was going on with us - we let her figure it out by herself!  So of course when something’s wrong with her, she’s not going to come to us!  She probably didn’t think we could handle it!”

Pike’s eyes jerk beneath her eyelids and the blue-stained side of her mouth jerks up.  Percy stops, breathing heavily.  Vex puts her hand on his shoulder. “You’re not a bad person, Percy.  You’re not terrible.  Face it, we all grew up in an environment that prized strength above all else.  We were expected to solve all of our own problems.”

Percy nods.

“And now we don’t have to,” Vex says softly.  She leans forward and kisses him.

He sighs when she releases him. “Gods, we’re fucked.”

Vex puts the hairbrush on the bedside table, apparently deciding to leave Pike’s hair down. “Let’s sleep on it before we make any decisions about our state of fucked-ness.”

“And here I thought you were going to say something naughty,” Percy says, his eyes twinkling.

“Oh, darling,” Vex purrs.  She turns down the lanterns. “I would, but I’m sure Pike would want to be a part of any of that.”

She gives him a grin and another kiss.

Somehow relieved, somehow absolved, Percy enjoys that kiss very much; he watches Vex lay down before stroking Pike’s hair and giving their beloved gnome a kiss as well.

“Sleep well, sweet one,” he whispers.

 

Pike blinks.  The lights are too bright.  She turns her head from side to side and sees she’s sandwiched between Vex and Percy.

“Vex,” she says.  Her voice is puny and weak.  Her throat feels funny.  Her body feels heavy.

There’s no answer.

“Vex,” Pike repeats, her voice a little louder and a little more plaintive.  She tries to get her hands up, to tug on Vex’s clothes, but her arms won’t work. “ _V_ _ex!”_

Vex snorts and then jerks upright. “Oh!  Pike!”

“What happened?” Pike asks. “I feel… wrong.”

She swallows. “And why does my mouth taste like… ginger…?  And cranberries?”

Vex leans over and shakes Percy awake. “Hey, you’d better wake up for this.”

It takes a minute or so for Percy to come to full consciousness, and he and Vex spend the next several minutes explaining to Pike the circumstances of her collapse, Allura’s draught, and her return to their bed.

Pike realizes her body’s waking up, too, and she pushes herself into a seated position.  She bows her head, trying to make herself as small as possible.

“What’s wrong?” Percy asks quietly.

“You shouldn’t have…” Pike trails off, unsure of how to finish her sentence.

“What?  Cared about you?” Percy suggests.

“No…”

“Why didn’t you tell us things were getting this bad?” Vex asks.

Pike sighs. “After our journey to the Shrine of the Faceless Guard, you were even more anxious than usual,” she says to Percy. “And you were so badly hurt… I spent a lot of time on healing,” she tells Vex. “Everything seemed so much bigger than what I was dealing with.”

Percy gives her face a gentle slap. “As you said, listen to me.  Nobody’s leaving anybody - and that includes leaving them alone to deal with their problems.  You do so much for all of us, you do so many special things for us.  You deserve to have just as many special things done for you.”

“Darling, maybe we should tell you how important you are more often,” Vex says. “Then maybe you’d have a better chance of believing us.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you…” Pike says softly. “I just… I fix things.  It’s what I do.”

“But it’s not your whole identity,” Vex says.

“We can’t _let_ it be your whole identity,” Percy adds. “You deserve to be spoiled.”

Pike smiles, only a little sadly.  Vex squeezes her hand.  Percy kisses her.  She leans into him. “That’s nice,” she murmurs.

“Percy always says he likes warrior women to rescue him,” Vex says. “But sometimes I think he needs to show his warrior women just how wonderful they are.”

A slow smile stretches across Percy’s face. “I think I can get behind that.”

They cuddle for a little while until Pike speaks again. “There’s something I want.”

“Anything,” Percy replies.

“If… _when_ we sleep together again… when I have a nightmare… I need you to hold me.  Tightly.  Vax knows to do it, because I asked for his help.  But I never told you.  Just… squeeze me.  It puts me back in my body.  And talk to me until you know I’m awake.  Is that… is that okay?”

“It’s wonderful,” Vex says.

“We’ll always make sure you’re back with us,” Percy adds.

As though to prove his point, he sweeps her up in a tight embrace.  She wraps her arms around his neck. “I like this,” she whispers.

“I like this too,” Percy says.

Vex wraps her arms around both of them. “I like this all very much.”

There’s a knock at the door. “Um… hello?  Are you all havin’... uh… sexy times?”

Pike grins as she recognizes Grog’s voice. “Hi, Grog!”

“Pike?  Are you…?”

“We’re just sitting here,” she answers, laughing.  Percy lets her go and she awkwardly slides off the bed, wobbling her way towards the door, her body still somewhat confused about moving.

Pike opens the door for Grog.  The goliath stands awkwardly against the door-frame, though his pose suggests he’s trying to maintain an aura of coolness. “Oh, hello.”

Then he drops all facade of cool and sweeps her up. “Oh, hi, buddy” is all he gets out before he starts crying.

“I’m so sorry,” Pike says, pressed into his chest.

“I drank your hot chocolate,” Grog half-weeps into her neck.

“What?”

“You just passed out next to it… an’ I was really thirsty, an’...”

“It’s okay, Grog,” Pike tells him. “It’s really okay.  I’ll… I’ll have some more later.”

“It’s _raining!”_ the goliath weeps.

It takes about twenty minutes for him to stop crying, Pike ineffectively patting his face with her little hands and telling him things are all right.  At last he wipes his eyes. “I’m so glad you’re okay, buddy.”

“Me too,” Pike says.

“Okay,” Grog says, and he sets her down. “I haveta go talk t’ Scanlan an’ Vex an’ Keyleth.  But… I’m glad you’re okay.  Really.”

“I think we got that the first four times, Grog,” Vex says snarkily.

“Good.” Grog takes it in stride and ruffles Pike’s long hair, still freed from its usual coronet of braids. “I’ll see you later, buddy.”

“Okay!”

When Grog’s gone, Pike turns back to the two on the bed. “Um, so, can one of you fix my hair?”

 

“We gotta do somethin’ special for Pike,” Grog says as soon as he shuts the door to the fancy library. “Y’ know, ‘cause she’s always doin’ special stuff for us.”

“Okay,” Keyleth says, immediately in love with the idea. “Like a party?”

“Maybe a party,” Grog says. “‘Cept with just all of us.”

“She doesn’t really like parties,” Scanlan points out. “I mean, she’ll _go_ to parties, but… I always get the feeling she’d rather be somewhere else.”

Vax looks over the rim of his mug of coffee. “So simpler than a party.”

“A _picnic!”_ Grog yells out. “Let’s do a picnic!”

Keyleth claps excitedly. “Yes!  I love picnics!”

“We could have it in the orchard,” Scanlan suggests. “She loves the apple blossom flowers.”

“Ooh!  I’ll make little lanterns for the trees!” Keyleth says. “It’ll be perfect!”

“But we can’t tell Percy an’ Vex,” Grog says, holding up his hand for emphasis.

“What?  Why not?” Vax asks.

“Yeah, I feel like they’d know more about what Pike wants than… than most of us,” Scanlan adds.

“They’ll just tell her,” Grog says, shaking his head. “An’ it hasta be a surprise.”

“A surprise picnic,” Vax says. “Seems like you’ve got all the answers, big man.”

“Well, all ‘cept one,” Grog says.

The other three look at him expectantly.

“How many pies are we makin’?”

 

Of course, Vax tells Vex.  He knows she can keep a secret.

And Vex tells Percy, because she knows Percy can keep a secret.

None of them tell Grog of these developments.

 

They lead Pike to the orchard a few days later, after Vex coerced them all into fancy-dress clothes.  They convinced Pike to leave her hair down and flowy with only a little pressure.

“Where are we going?” Pike asks for the hundredth time.  She walks between them, holding one of each of their hands.

“You’ll see,” Vex answers.

They crest the last short hill, now able to look down at the apple orchard spread out below them.  Pike gasps as she takes in what’s been set up for her below.

A long trestle table sits between the apple trees, dappled with falling blossoms.  The table’s full of food, wonderful colorful dishes in fancy dishes and pitchers.  In the deepening evening the orchard is lit by strings of bright lanterns strung between the trees’ branches.  And surrounding all of that wonderful goodness are four more wonderful things - four people Pike cares about so much.  Keyleth, Scanlan, Grog, and Vax stand at the table - well, Scanlan stands on the bench next to it so he’s roughly the height of the others - and they’re all wearing flower crowns.

“Is this… what is this?” Pike asks, looking up at Percy and Vex.

“It’s a picnic, and it’s all for you,” Vex answers.

A little surprised _oh!_ leaves Pike’s mouth like a rainbow-colored soap bubble.

Keyleth comes to meet them and puts a flower crown on each of their heads. “You look beautiful,” she tells Pike.

“And you all knew about this?”

“It was Grog’s idea,” Scanlan says.

“Oh, buddy,” Pike says, her eyes filling with tears.

He scoops her up.

“It’s _raining_ ,” she tells him.

“I know,” Grog says, and hands her a handkerchief. “I stole this from Percy, so…”

She grins.

It’s the best party Pike can remember.  They eat and drink and talk and laugh.  Scanlan plays music and they all dance.  Pike doesn’t think about her nightmares, or Percy’s anxiety, or Vex’s sound issues.  For the entire night, they all simply exist.

At last she lays down in the grass, looking up at the stars.  The others follow suit.  Pike takes Percy and Vex’s hands. “Thank you for today,” she murmurs.

“It was all Grog’s idea,” Vex says.

“It really was.  He tried to keep us out of it,” Percy adds.

Pike gives them each a slow, sleepy smile. “But you keep me safe.  You love me.  You take care of me.  You listen to me.  You make me feel… special.”

“You _are_ special,” Percy says.

Her smile broadens.

“And if we ever make you feel any other way… you let us know,” he continues.

Vex squeezes Pike’s hand.

“I made something for you,” Percy says.  He shifts his position and takes something small out of his pocket.  He passes it to Pike.

She takes the object, a small round clear ball. “What is it?”

“Well, I asked Scanlan what the gnomish word for _light_ was,” Percy says, “and then I had to have that information checked by some townspeople, but… eventually I got it right.  Say _light_ , and see what happens.”

“ _U_ _ntii_ ,” Pike whispers.

Immediately the ball in her hand begins to emit a soft glow.  Something about it is welcoming and almost familiar.  She loves it immediately.

“It’s to keep you… it’s to _remind_ you that though we might all be in the dark… the light’s there too,” Vex says.

Pike feels so full of happiness that she can’t even fully express it.  She clings to those two, _her_ two, under a sky full of stars, surrounded by their family, in the glow cast by her very own star.

In the orchard, safe and happy, she falls asleep.

Her dreams are happy, and beautiful, and peaceful.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr as memorysdaughter.


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